How Do You Compare? , by Andrew N. Williams -- Book Excerpt

Book excerpt reprinted with the permission of the publisher.

The following is an excerpt from the book How Do You Compare?
by Andrew N. Williams
Published by Perigee; March 2004; ISBN 0-399-52951-9
Copyright © 2004 Andrew N. Williams

How Satisfying Is Your Relationship?

Take this quiz to find out.

The Relationship Satisfaction Test was developed in the 1980s by a Texas psychologist, and is easy to take because it only has seven questions. But don't be fooled: Each one requires a lot of thought. Do not rush. For the following questions, circle the number that best rates how you feel about your relationship. See scoring, at bottom.

1. How well does your partner meet your needs?

2. In general, how satisfied are you with your relationship?

3. How good is your relationship compared to most?

4. How often do you wish you hadn't gotten in this relationship?

5. To what extent has your relationship met your original expectations?

6. How much do you love your partner?

7. How many problems are there in your relationship?

Scoring

Add up the numbers you circled.

If your score was 7-25: Your relationship is no Cinderella story. Seventy percent or more of the population are happier in their relationships than you are. If you have invested a great deal of time into your relationship and wish to continue with this person, you must focus on building consensus and openly discussing your needs and expectations with your partner.

If your score was 26-32: Your relationship is about as charmed as that of most American couples'. You and your partner probably have the ordinary ups and downs, but in general you are quite satisfied. There is, however, room for improvement. Review your scores together for clues on which areas need enhancement. Get these issues out into the open, and chances are you and your partner will be able to work things out and obtain greater satisfaction.

If your score was 33-35: You are exceptionally satisfied in your relationship, and scored in the top 30th percentile of all couples. Congratulations on having built a gratifying partnership. While you have all the ingredients for a blissful relationship, be careful about becoming complacent.

How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Ways . . .

The subject of love used to be confined to poets, scented missives, movies and songs. Then, of course, psychology got into and made it all clinical. It turns out that there are actually five types of love. Or, at least, healthy loving relationships can pass through five stages.

Because love and relationships are complex, we sometimes jump from one type of love to another, then back again. Sometimes we even enjoy multiple types of love simultaneously from the same partner. For arguments sake, let us move through these stages in a linear fashion so we can see clearly how their progression can lead to a wonderful and long-lasting loving relationship.

The first stage is "puppy love." Remember this one? Sure you do. Puppy love is what made high school so nerve-wracking. Puppy love is all about the delightful anticipation of, "Will he call? Does he like me?" In the presence of your new friend your palms sweat, you mouth goes dry, knees grow weak, and your heart goes all aflutter. No wonder they call it being "love sick."

Those who progress from puppy love to the second stage, "intuitive love," enter that all-consuming, electric love that goes beyond anxious anticipation to realization -- from wistful looks to deep, soulful gazes into your lover's eyes. Partners make odd cooing sounds and roll their foreheads against each other. Intuitive love involves a lot of physical contact, from hand-holding and hugging to incessant kissing and caressing. This is a gooey love that will drive all friends away -- except the one you are stuck on.

Cynics might dismiss these first two stages as being hormonal or simply the joys of youth. In any case, feelings definitely mature with the advance to "companionate love." In companionate love, the pair becomes . . . well, companions. "You and me" becomes "we." Lovers connect on a deeper level. A true lovers friendship emerges. As the pair grow more committed to one another. Which leads us to stage four on our love ladder -- "committed love."

Now we are far beyond child's play. This is the kind of love that prompts serious plans for the future. Marriage. Children. Shared decisions about life. Committed lovers are not merely smitten, they are pledging themselves to their "other half."

Finally, as we mature we move onto "secure love" -- the love we can bank on to protect us when times get tough, the bond we rely on when we are no longer young and beautiful, the love that keeps us safe and complete. Secure love is total and complete acceptance of who we are.

Eight Ingredients for a Lasting Relationship

Maintaining a good, wholesome relationship can be difficult. The question of how to best understand something as complex as human relationships has long occupied the minds of our greatest poets and philosophers and until now, this quandary has largely gone unanswered. However, like most deep questions, the answer can be described in a simple analogy -- psychology has now determined that the secret to forming a lasting relationship is like baking the perfect loaf of bread.

If you find this comparison odd you have probably never enjoyed the sensual pleasure of baking -- of mixing the ingredients and kneading the dough, of forming the loaf, of seeing the bread rise slowly with the yeast, of the warm smell as it bakes to perfection.

Sadly, too many people settle for store bought, mass produced bread. Tragically, even more settle for equally unappetizing relationships. You deserve better on both counts! Bread requires flour, yeast, salt, etc. What does your lasting relationship require?

First and foremost a healthy relationship requires enthusiasm. Relationships are about growing and exploring. Your partner should be someone who embraces life and you enthusiastically! A thriving relationship is one in which both partners continue to explore the world -- and each other. No one is interested in a stale loaf.

Attractiveness -- yes, it is shallow. No, you don't have to look like a model to be loved. However, your partner must see something special in you. Would you want to bake bread with flour contaminated with dirt and bits of bugs? Of course not. Don't underestimate the natural beauty of a clean face and good grooming. By all means, highlight your qualities but remember, your true partner will want to know you.

Successful relationships also rely on the ability to speak and listen. No relationship can succeed over time without first-rate communication skills. Good, bad or indifferent, feelings and concerns have to be shared in an open and accepting way. If you feel that you and your partner can discuss anything -- your needs, hopes, desires, opinions then you are well on your way to relationship success.

What does it really mean to have good communication skills? The key here is honesty. Without honesty, what are you communicating? Nothing of lasting worth, that's certain. And don't just speak. Listen. Listen actively to your partner, hear what he or she has to say! Partners have to trust what you tell them and they have to know you believe what they say. Lying can foul a relationship faster than a rotten egg.

The difference between a successful, loving relationship and a successful business partnership often comes down to one essential ingredient -- affection. Business partners need not show affection for the partnership to be successful but loving partners sure better! In a successful loving relationship, each partner must care for one another, physically and emotionally. You must put your partner's needs first.

While there are often things that partners respectfully disagree about, a healthy relationship relies on compatibility. Your long-term partner must be compatible with you. It does not matter how strong you are with the seven other ingredients, you and your partner must be well-suited for each other. This does not mean you have to be two peas in a pod. You can have very different views and hobbies, but you needs must mesh.

The largest portion of compatibility is intelligence. We all want to be challenged from time to time. We want to be the best person we can be. It takes intelligence to revel in the intelligence of your partner. There is no "window dressing" in successful relationships -- both partners are wholly engaged and needed.

The final ingredient tends to grow with age and experience. It is a biggie -- Acceptance. Acceptance does not necessarily mean agreement, compliance, or submission Often it is very different. Anyone can accept someone they agree with. Only a loving partner can accept the views of someone they disagree with. Acceptance requires respect and consideration. Now, your partner may hold one or two views that you will never agree with them upon, but if you can recognize and tolerate some differences your relationship will mature.

Without all of these eight ingredients a relationship will become flat and tasteless. If you sense that you or your partner is running a little low on one or another of these ingredients, talk about it sooner rather than later. These differences do not go away by ignoring them. Like making bread, a relationship also takes thoughtfulness, timing, and hard work. Consider the ideas presented in this recipe and enjoy the earthy delight of needing -- and kneading -- a wonderful relationship, and having one!

Copyright © 2004 Andrew N. Williams